Excerpt from "Weddings from the Heart; Contemporary and Traditional Ceremonies for an Unforgettable Wedding," by Daphne Rose Kingma

 

As you begin the decision making process, you will want to enlist the counsel of the person who will be officiating your ceremony, first to make sure that he or she is comfortable with the kind of ceremony you are envisioning, and, second, to find out if he or she has any suggestions for you.  It’s also important to choose your Officiant early, for he or she is an invaluable resource in planning your ceremony and in answering any questions you might have.  In choosing this person, you will want to be sure that he or she will be able to reflect accurately what you want your ceremony to convey.

 

In the past, the Officiant at a wedding was just that—an official of the church or state.  His duty—and usually a he—was to make sure that a given relationship would fulfill the standards for marriage as delineated by the church and state.  More than finding a proper “official,” however, you will want to be looking for someone who can be a spokesperson for you, your values, and your relationship.  You will want to find someone who can reflect the quality of your love and speak meaningfully to you and your partner.

 

 Whomever you consider, be sure to think about the following questions:

 

1. Does he or she reflect or embody the spirit you want to create at your wedding?

 

2. Do you feel comfortable with him or her?  Will you be able to express your preferences about content; speak up about matters of concern in the preparation of the ceremony; voice objections you might have?

 

3. Do you like the sound of his or her voice?  Remember that this is the person whose voice will inspire, instruct, challenge, or out-and-out delight you about the undertaking of marriage, and whose lead you will follow in saying your vows.

 

4. Do you have a personal relationship with him or her, a connection that allows you to trust that what he or she will say will be appropriate for the two of you?  Or, if this is someone whom you do not know, do you trust that this person has “a sense” of you and understands the uniqueness of your relationship?

 

5. What is the fee for his or her services?  Judges and justices of the peace normally charge a flat fee, whereas clergy members’ fees vary widely.  Often they are based on your income, the time involved, and the size of the ceremony.  Some fees cover everything (use of the church, candles, organist, janitorial services) while others do not.  And fees aren’t uniform, ranging from as little as $50 to $400.

 

6. Seemingly trivial, but also important (aesthetics, after all, are one of the great joys—and great concerns—at any wedding), will you like what he or she chooses to wear to perform your ceremony?  Will it be complimentary to the ambiance you want to create?  Do you trust his or her taste?

 

7. Above all, will you value what this person has to say?  Will he or she have delightful, meaningful, moving reflections that will elevate the ceremony from the ordinary, generic, and formal, to personal, beautiful, and unforgettable?  Do you trust that his or her words will provide the inspiration, the message you want to guide you graciously from your past and into this exciting new chapter—married life?